Sarah Jane Woodall: Life by the balls
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Most people have a bucket list — you know, a list of adventures and experiences they want to have before they kick the bucket. But I live my life in hyperdrive — there are a million things I want to do in this life, so why wait for “some day”? Every day is some day! Life is short, and my motto is Carpe scrotum — seize it by the balls, and don’t let go!
I have a daily bucket list. I try to knock off something fabulous every day of the week, Sundays included. And we live in the perfect city for this — there is always something amazing going on. Even in this, our so-called slow season.
You might think Vegas is dead at this time of year, and that’s somewhat true. Most people are too busy baking cookies and camping out at Best Buy to bother with traditional Vegas high jinks, so the Strip can be a bit deserted, especially after the National Finals Rodeo leaves town in mid-December. But whining about the town being dead means you’re just not trying — as a dedicated thrill-seeker, I assure you there are still a million things to do. To prove it, here’s a brief overview of my December bucketlist thus far:
1. Since the rodeo is gonna be here anyway, might as well save a horse, ride a cowboy. I’ve heard they taste like chicken … basted in Jesus and Copenhagen. Yum!
2. Skate at the ice rink they’re building at the Cosmopolitan. And by “skate,” I mean swill booze-infused hot cocoa.
3. Crash the Rock ’n’ Roll Marathon. If you register, it’s $100 and a lot of boring training. But anyone can crash it — and just run for the fun of it! I ran the whole thing once, and that was no fun at all. But anyone in halfway-decent shape can blaze through the half-marathon. And I’ll need it, to burn off all that cocoa.
4. Party with the Santas at the 10th Annual Santa Rampage — a sort of themed pub crawl on Fremont Street involving hundreds of kooks in Santa costumes. This is one of the best parties of the year. Especially with mushrooms.
5. Speaking of downtown, I also need to check out new East Fremont hot spot Commonwealth. Douchey or cool? I’ll be the judge!
6. See the Shania Twain Donkey Show at Caesars Palace. All those titillating billboards featuring Shania and a horse — and here I thought I had to go all the way to Tijuana to catch quality entertainment!
7. At some point, I’ll need to do my Christmas shopping. Like all hipsters, I plan to shop locally — we have excellent shopping here. I get all my gifts at the World’s Largest Gift Shop (novelties!) and the Erotic Heritage Museum (penises!). Budget tip: Hotel logo swizzle-stick collections also make good free gifts for your favorite Vegas-obsessed boozer.
8. Celebrate the Mayan apocalypse. Whether it happens or not, there are sure to be some wild parties on the eve of this monumental occasion.
And last, of course, the most important thing on anyone’s bucket list: crash face-first into a pile of fleece jammies and Christmas candy. Provided the apocalypse is a no-show, I plan to end the month with a solid week of rejuvenating sloth and gluttony with my family, recharging my batteries for New Year’s Eve — and all the adventures to come in 2013.
SARAH JANE WOODALL blogs like crazy at Wonderhussy.com. Her column will appear every other week.