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Sarah Jane Woodall: Let freedom wing!

<p>Sarah Jane Woodall</p>

Sarah Jane Woodall

For someone with a short attention span, like me, Vegas is the perfect home — there’s always something going on. And as the queen of freelance gigs, I especially enjoy living here because you can’t turn around without tripping over an unorthodox way to make a buck. It’s a Grand Buffet of Opportunity, and it never closes.

This time of year is especially busy because of all the conventions. Though fairly lucrative, most convention gigs are boring as hell (helloooo, CES) — but every once in a while you get a fun one. And the funnest one of all is the AVN expo, aka the porn show.

Alas, this year the smut peddlers were on the cheap side — very few vendors were hiring booth babes. So I figured I’d have to miss out on the fun. But at the last minute, the buffet came through … with a double offer of wings! A resourceful girlfriend who makes a living posing for photos with Strip tourists for tips invited me to borrow one of her spare slutty angel costumes and join her at AVN to make a few bucks off the fans.

So we donned angel wings and tag-teamed those slavering pervs, with a little help from her petite, Southern, platinum-blond mom, who hovered around acting as a sort of stage mother/pimp, urging the guys to tip us big: “They like big ones, y’all!” Almost every guy who posed with us tipped a buck or two, so we ended up with a tidy sum after a few hours.

I could have posed all day. I love the porn expo. But the Buffet of Opportunity was serving up an even better money-making shot that same day — a chicken-wing eating contest, with the winner pocketing a cool $5,000! I’d have to pose for photos for two weeks to earn that kind of money, versus five minutes of jamming greasy food into my mouth. Now, granted, if I failed, I wasn’t just losing out on the five grand — the attempt would leave me so bloated there’d be no way I could don my slutty angel costume and make more cash at the porn show the next day. It was a classic Vegas gamble: try for the $5,000? Or stay the safe, flat-bellied course?

What would you do? I traded my angel wings for chicken wings.

I’ve written about my attempts at competitive eating in this publication before: spaghetti, hot dogs, ice cream. I like to eat a lot, and for someone my size I can put away quite a bit of food — but there’s always some unassuming young douchebag who sneaks in from nowhere and blows me away. This time, I vowed, it would be different. I did some research, watching wing-eating tutorials online (YES) and reading pro tips on the fastest methods of stripping the meat from the bones. By all accounts, wings are really easy to eat because they don’t have much substance, so I figured I was golden.

Alas, I sorely underestimated the voracious piggery of males age 18-35 — and was once again blown away, this time by a shifty-eyed young scamp who goes by the nom de pig of Chorizo. Chorizo sucked down 36 wings in five minutes, versus my pathetic 15. (I’m here to tell you, inhaling wings is a lot harder than it looks. You have to chew more than you’d think, as the paramedic posted discreetly off to the side served to remind me. Thankfully, no one choked.)

Humbled by defeat, I slunk home to wash the neon-orange grease off my face, and contemplated doing 800 sit-ups to get my belly back down from chicken-wing to angel-wing proportions.

But before I could begin, a food coma set in and I abandoned my efforts. Instead, I logged onto Craigslist. Surely, tomorrow’s Buffet would serve up something that didn’t require a bare midriff.

SARAH JANE WOODALL’s blogging at will give you wings.