Yahoo Weather

You are here

Duck Dynasty, Dennis and other dicks

The Icelandic Phallological Museum, founded in Reykjavik, Iceland, in 1997, is home to the world’s “largest display of penises and penile parts.” Currently, its majority of samplings are from whales and seals, numbering about 148 of the museum’s reportedly 280 specimens. Apparently lonely Icelanders won’t settle for anything less than a sperm whale’s schlong to keep them company on a long winter night. Ya know, any port in a snow storm.

However, for phallic political correctness, the museum recently began adding the more humble human penis (2011) to its collection; though, compared to the Icelanders’ fetish for whale genitalia, this has yet to catch on in popularity.

But if one has been following the news in America lately, our nation certainly hasn’t been lacking in, well, big dicks that we could send to Iceland for its notable archive of wee-wees. Thus, in the spirit of international diversity, here is a short list of America’s current dicks we might consider submitting for the museum’s array of peckers:

Phil Robertson, the patriarch of the clan nationally known as the Duck Dynasty. This guy truly seems to be a big prick, but an unbelievably popular one. The Phallological Museum could triple its annual attendance if they would put this hirsute ding-a-ling on display with its other oddities.

In a recent GQ magazine interview, Robertson pointed out who, according to his view of the Bible, would not be “inheriting the Kingdom of God.” His list included gays, idolaters, male prostitutes, greedy people, adulterers, drunkards, slanderers and swindlers. In other words, pretty much everyone living in Las Vegas that isn’t severely brain-damaged or neutered.

Interestingly, Robertson didn’t single out female prostitutes. Hallelujah! (A shout out to my female peeps!) Perhaps women can walk the streets and ply their trade and still end up with God and the Duck Dynasty dudes in the hereafter!

Following this interview, predictably the holy shit hit the fan. It appeared temporarily that this Mallard Meister of the A&E television network, which airs the highly profitable Duck Dynasty, was going to get his ass shit-canned. But legions of fans rallied in his defense. Realizing a good thing when it had it, A&E decided to keep Duck Commander Robertson on the show.

However, shortly thereafter, a 2009 video surfaced that revealed Robertson, a former school teacher, promoting the notion that all women should be married off by the ages of 15 and 16. This seemingly made his fans (Sarah Palin, for example) even happier. Which will give A&E still more possibilities to cash in on. Imagine a TV series featuring a teacher who gets all the teenage girls in town to marry old guys with patriarchal beards, called “Dick Dynasty.” Or another show, where an old man invents a special “underage chick call” to revive polygamy, an old biblical favorite, by attracting young girls to old men, called “Viagra Dynasty.”

Hallelujah again! Phil’ll be richer! A&E will be richer! And America will be more enriched theologically! When it comes to religious pricks and their randy followers, Iceland’s little penis museum has nothing on our great nation.

And that brings us to Dennis Rodman, America’s self-appointed diplomat to North Korea. It would be easy to lampoon Rodman, who, as he ages, is looking more like Mr. Potato Head put together by a drunken four-year-old kid, and who often sounds like a drunken four-year old. Especially when defending his “friend,” the boy tyrant of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, who reportedly had his own uncle executed for the crimes of womanizing and drug abuse.

Rodman himself has been known for his bad behavior in Vegas (reportedly with women and booze), so the irony here is not lost. But it’s fortunate for Rodman that he comes from a nation of war criminals.

Remember when Americans knowingly re-elected George W. Bush in 2004 to continue, arguably, the most immoral war in our country’s history? In a democracy, that’s a nation of war criminals. Well, for Rodman, then, the competition in America to get into the penis museum is pretty stiff. With his “basketball diplomacy,” can Rodman do any worse than those running the country during the Bush years? Or those who voted for Bush 2.0?

Consider this argument, then: If you cut off and stitched the penises of all American males together, given the average size, it would end up being about 14,721 miles of penis. Which probably would be more exemplary of what America is all about than putting Dennis Rodman on display in Iceland. For the duration of the Iraq War, almost a decade, America itself was a nation of total dicks.

Therefore, to be fair, we should let Dennis off the hook. And wish him luck.

But New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, with his impeccable Huey Long impression, definitely belongs on the list of contenders.

Although he denies allegations that he is a “bully,” teachers in Jersey, one of the top-performing academic states in the nation, know differently. This past November, a teacher calmly asked him, “Why do you spread the myth that our schools and teachers are failing?”

“Because they are!” Christie belligerently shouted back. “I am tired of you people (teachers)!”

If New Jersey’s voters had any doubts about Christie’s heavy-handed tactics after that, they probably don’t anymore, following his administrative team’s alleged orchestration of the George Washington Bridge lane closure into New York City to punish a political rival. And whether Christie knew (intent) or did not know (ignorance) of this chicanery, either way, according to some pundits, he may have coldcocked his own presidential aspirations. Thus, he practically has nominated himself for the penis museum. Where some “true” Americans should be exposed for what they really are.

CHIP MOSHER is a simple classroom teacher.