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Chip Mosher: Screw the pooch

<p>Chip Mosher</p>

Chip Mosher

I’ll get to the death of public education in a minute. But first, my mind is on Lake Havasu City resident Brittany Sonnier, 20, recently charged with crimes against nature for having sex with her family dog. When confronted, she reportedly confessed to having had sex with dogs since she was 11. Interestingly, her mug shot resembles Charlie Manson’s sexiest, if deranged, former follower, Susan Atkins. Kinda hot.

Now, let’s face it, animal rights haven’t progressed to the point of gay rights yet, and an animal can’t go and marry any person it wants to just because it wants to. There are laws. But perhaps Sonnier is an equal rights advocate ahead of her time — in an area where few, due to the stigma of true canine companionship, dare to tread.

Of course, to many people the thought of bestiality might be repulsive, as homosexuality is to some heterosexuals, and heterosexuality to some homosexuals. That’s the nature of sex. But from the perspective of dogs, who’s to say what is disgusting and what’s not?

For example, if I’m a dog in a dog pound and Ms. Sonnier comes through looking for a new pet, I’d turn into the Casanova of canines in a heartbeat. In my cramped cage I’d be performing every David Copperfield trick in the book to get that woman’s attention. Bow. Wow.

As a female friend constantly reminds me: “Mosher, when it comes to sex all men are dogs.”

To which I now retort: “Well, then, that puts all heterosexual women into Brittany Sonnier’s canine carnality club.”

I only bring this up because lately I’ve been dreaming I’m a collared human on a short leash controlled by Michelle Rhee, who recently appeared on PBS’s Frontline as the ubiquitous face of the failed corporate education reform movement in America. In my dream, she has dressed me up in a little leather pet outfit, like the Gimp in Pulp Fiction. As she slowly pours Campbell’s asparagus soup all over her writhing nude body, she tells me to start licking. But I hate asparagus. So she gets out a whip. Thus, I learn to obey, like a good teacher, the bizarre commands of the insane reformists. Then I wake up.

Tragically, Rhee has been to public education what Mussolini was ultimately to train schedules in Italy. He was about becoming a media star and about the sadism of power, nothing more. And so it has been with Rhee, who, in a brief stint as a teacher before her mysterious rise to reform prominence, would duct-tape her second-grade students’ mouths shut to keep them quiet, until their little lips would bleed.

Sadly, however, as our state Legislature soon convenes to ignorantly pass more laws supporting this reform movement, which has pretty much screwed the pooch by destroying public education, no person will determine Nevada’s educational policies more than the sadistic Rhee. Disciples of her misguided philosophy include Gov. Brian Sandoval, State Schools Superintendent James Guthrie and Clark County Superintendent Dwight Jones. Her failed policies include, among other things, getting rid of workers’ rights, or protections, for teachers, and instituting a merit pay system, which has proven to be totally ineffective.

Fans of crimes against nature should stay closely tuned to the upcoming legislative session. Where legislators will surely be screwing the pooch, once again, regarding education. Arf. Arf.

CHIP MOSHER is a simple classroom teacher.