March 2013. From a heavily fortified bunker somewhere in Green Valley:
It seemed like such a good idea at the time.
Secession. For the first time since 1865, Nevada and a handful of other states mustered the courage to look Uncle Sam in the eye and say, “Keep the change!”
We had gold reserves, vast stretches of land just waiting to be mined; we had casinos worth billions; we had water in Lake Tahoe and Lake Mead. And we had a lot of anger!
Our backs were to the wall. In the fall of 2012, the USA re-elected the Usurper. A man most of us were convinced was not only not an American, but an atheist, or a Muslim, or some version of the same. Clearly, he did not look like us! And he talked funny, with that fancy-pants affirmative-action legal education they give away at Harvard.
So while Barry Hussein Soltero Obama and his armies of moochers were busy trying to stop the seas from rising and the Middle East from blowing up, we pulled the trigger. We declared ourselves an independent nation, free from the chains of the welfare state!
The problems started almost immediately. Some say we should have foreseen the issues that would come from naming a “bitchy little megalomaniac” casino owner President for Life, but who else had the proven business acumen, political experience and international connections? Except for the other megalomaniac up the street. The two, unfettered by the heavy hand of law enforcement, started lobbing high explosives up and down Las Vegas Boulevard for control of the Strip. It did not help our tourism industry — but we were ready to go it alone.
The industry, unfortunately, took another hit when it turned out when someone — probably a Democrat — started the vicious rumor that an epidemic of food poisoning was due to our reliance as a free community on unpasteurized milk.
We still had cards to play. We had lots of gold and silver and copper in Nevada. Fortunately, starting a war of secession in these formerly United States really pushed up gold prices. We discovered that contrary to our economic models, however, eliminating all taxes on the hard-rock miners does not, in fact, increase revenue to our free and independent government.
And, of course, we had a few thorny problems that no one could anticipate. It turns out — who knew? — that most of our food in Southern Nevada came from California. Those Union diehards refused to go along with our secessionist movement. So we were getting a bit hungry. We had to improvise.
Our “victory gardens” turned out to be mostly patches of dirt after the federal government turned off the water supply from Lake Mead. Our rag-tag navy held its own on the lake for a few weeks before we ran out of gasoline for our outboard motors. California, of course, turned off the gas pipeline immediately after secession. What would you expect from those moochers and Obama-lovers?
Another problem we could not have anticipated was that some would reject the “provisional citizenship” status that we magnanimously granted them. We stuck to our principles, though: The Original Intent of the Founders! Voting was extended to all white male landowners, just as God intended.
We are arguably better off without the hundreds of thousands of ungrateful workers who snuck out of state, but admittedly it is tough to find health-care professionals, restaurant employees, gardeners and casino staff. But we are Battle Born. We’ll get by.
What we won’t get is Medicare. Or Social Security. So that was an issue, as our remaining population base skewed older. You haven’t lived, though, until you have seen thousands of seniors mounted to their mechanized Rascals overwhelming the jack-booted thugs trying to take away their government health care! Unfortunately, they were our jack-booted thugs. Meanwhile, Washington selfishly continues to deny health benefits to the citizens of another country. Negotiations are continuing.
In the meantime, we believe in the dream. We hold true to the original vision of the Founders of the real United States. We are armed with handguns and rifles, ready to greet any remaining tourists with a taste of the Wild West. We still have a lot of those photovoltaic panels that the feds forced upon us, although it remains to be seen how we will keep the air conditioners humming next summer.
Sure, we have seen a few setbacks. But we have cast aside the yoke of federal tyranny! We no longer have the Environmental Protection Agency telling us what we can’t put into our air and water! We are tax-free and well on our way to finding new revenue sources to repair our disintegrating public infrastructure.
To borrow a motto from our turncoat friends in New England — who don’t get to keep it because they voted for Obama — “Live Free or Die!”