An interview with Dr. Hansel Khatcathinone*
Q: What are bath salts?
A: Besides the key ingredient to winning a junior high track and field event? It’s the shelf name for a legal combination of MDPV (a stimulant that comes off like crazy-potent Ritalin) and mephedrone, which usually gets shrugged off as “shitty MDMA.”
Q: Wait, they’re legal?
A: As of February, not in Nevada. But the reason you can still find “bath salts” on shelves (usually in a headshop run by a guy named Bulletface Carl) around the country is because they’re often marketed as a cleaning product and labeled “not for human consumption,” dipping below the federal radar.
Q: What are normal symptoms to taking this?
A: Acute, I’m-Superman-and-everyone-else-is-Atomic-Skull aggressive paranoia. Ridiculous strength (thanks, stimulants). Taken in low doses, it’s like more boring ecstasy.
Q: If I take it, will people think I’m a cannibalistic zombie, like that homeless dude who ate the other homeless guy’s face in Miami?
A: Only if you were already a cannibalistic zombie in the first place. Is that what you are? Fuck. I’m glad you’re conducting this interview over Chat Roulette. MAX PLENKE
*Dude is way not real.