VEGAS IS SAVED!
The Smith Center opens in March.
BUT I’LL SETTLE FOR JUST LEGAL
Defending his lavish campaign spending, Sheldon Adelson tells Politico, “So, I do whatever it takes, as long as it’s moral, ethical, principled, legal.”
WAITER, THERE’S AN ORANGE HAIR IN MY MONTH-OLD CAVIAR!
In November, DJT, the steakhouse in Trump International, is briefly shut down after inspectors file 51 health violations, including improper parasite-prevention measures, and duck that dated back to June.
EITHER THAT OR HE WAS DINING AT TRUMP’S STEAKHOUSE
For a performance art piece in July, artist Jevijoe Vitug drinks his own urine.
VEGAS IS SAVED!
It’s announced in June that shuttered dive bar Atomic Liquors, a local icon, will reopen under new owners.
AND THE PULITZER FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN POULTRY-RELATED MULTIMEDIA GOES TO …
The March opening of Flavor Flav’s House of Flavor prompts the Sun to post a slideshow of other chicken-based restaurants.
COMING SOON, A SUN SLIDESHOW OF OTHER COLORS THAT HAVE SHADES
As of July, 3,187 Southern Nevada women have signed up on a website seeking a 50 Shades of Gray-style hookup.
WE THINK TRUMP CATERED A PARTY DOWN THERE
As the city government finishes clearing out of the old City Hall, a spokesman talks wistfully of the building: “It has all the aches and pains that an old building has. There are some interesting smells in the basement.”
VEGAS IS SAVED!
In September, the restaurant Eat opens downtown.
ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT I WAS TIPPING A BELLHOP
Talking to Politico, Sheldon Adelson says, “I gave 5 million or 10 million — I forget — to Newt Gingrich.”
OUR EMBARRASSING INTERNAL DIALOGUE, FOR ONE, BIG MOUTH
Talking to Politico, Adelson lets readers into his thought process: “I said to myself, ‘Self’ — that’s what I call myself — ‘Self, what do you got to hide?’” …
WELL, IF SELF IS GIVING MILLIONS, THEN SHELDON’S GONNA GIVE MILLIONS, TOO!
Giving a lengthy interview to Politico in the midst of his unprecedented campaign spending, Sheldon Adelson says, “I don’t believe one person should influence an election. So, I suppose you’ll ask me, ‘How come I’m doing it?’ Because other single people influence elections.”
BECAUSE NOTHING IMPROVES EDUCATION LIKE AN ACCURATE SYSTEM FOR PLACING BLAME ON EVERYONE BUT THE GOVERNOR
Praising the Clark County School District’s new star-rating system, Gov. Brian Sandoval says it will “hold educators, administrators and the public accountable.”
AND THE PULITZER FOR POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS GOES TO …
In March, the Sun reports that examination of the school district’s star-rating system shows that more affluent neighborhoods have more highly rated schools. “As housing values increase, the number of stars increases as well.”
UNLESS, HE ADDED, TONY HSIEH WANTS FOOD FIGHTS …
The City Council waffles on new regulations about how far away food trucks should stay from brick-and-mortar restaurants, finally settling on 300 feet. According to Councilman Stavros Anthony, “We are trying to prevent what I call a food fight from happening out in the community.”
VEGAS IS SAVED!
In July, CityLife redesigns its website.
HE ADDED, IT WAS THE DORKIEST NAME WE COULD THINK OF
The Sun reports that some Zappos employees are worried about their safety downtown, but a Zappos spokesman downplays those concerns. “We said upfront we were looking for pioneers, and we actually call them pioneers.”
AND BY “ANYONE” HE MEANS “ALMOST NO ONE”
In September, Caesars Entertainment changes the name of The Imperial Palace to The Quad. Says one company official, “This property has always been known as a hub of social activity, where anyone can come relax and have a good time.”
BUT, LVH OFFICIALS ADDED WITH RELIEF, AT LEAST WE DIDN’T RENAME OURSELVES THE QUAD!
Officials at the LVH — formerly the Las Vegas Hilton — say in April that, without the Hilton affiliation, and with dropping occupancy rates, they expect operating losses through the end of 2012.
VEGAS IS DOOMED!
The Review-Journal brings back the humor-free comic strip Mallard Fillmore.
BUT IF WE TRY HARD ENOUGH, A MINING LOBBYIST ADDED, WE CAN GET ALL THE WAY TO 50
In March, the Center for Public Integrity gives Nevada a D-minus grade, ranking the state 42nd of 50 on its integrity list.
BRIEFLY, BEFORE THEY RESUME SHOOTING
This summer, Metro enacts a revised use-of-force policy that requires officers to “respect the value of every human life.”
TO WHICH THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION REPLIED, “ACTUALLY, WE’RE TRYING TO GET THAT DOWN TO 12 HOURS”
At FreedomFest, a July gathering of libertarians, a speaker asks, “How many of you are worried that you could lose your freedom in less than 24 hours?”
TO WHICH RON PAUL REPLIED, “JEEZ, THIS GUY IS ONE OF MINE? TIME FOR ME TO RETIRE.”
A Ron Paul supporter tells CityLife in January, “If Ron Paul doesn’t win, this is the last election we will have as a constitutional republic.”
AND THE PULITZER FOR UNWAVERING SUPPORT GOES TO …
This fall, political columnist Jon Ralston and producer Dana Gentry leave the Las Vegas Sun over what they say is the paper’s unwillingness to back Gentry, who is being sued by a businessman. Sun editors stand by the decision.
BUT A GAIN FOR SOMEONE’S BASEMENT REC ROOM
In June, the Glass Pool Inn sign disappears while awaiting transport to the Neon Museum. Says museum head Danielle Kelly, “It’s a loss for the community.”
BEST BUY IS SUING FOR DEFAMATION
In December, a columnist for Reason magazine describes Henderson as so barren “the arts and culture district pretty much consists of the DVD aisle at Best Buy.”
AFTER WHICH, THE THIRD-PERSON PRONOUN KILLED ITSELF
Talking about the reviving fortunes of the long-moribund Neonopolis, owner Rohit Joshi says, “Joshi is all about making money. Tony Hsieh is all about community.”
AND THAT’S HOW THE 2013 LEGISLATURE GOT ITS MOTTO
To celebrate the 25th anniversary of the show Crazy Girls, women are invited to help form a line of butts. Says one participant, “We like showing our bums.”
IN RESPONSE, THE R-J OPINION EDITOR TYPED A SPECIAL KEY AND THE USUAL BOILERPLATE EDITORIAL ABOUT GOVERNMENT SCHOOLS APPEARED THE NEXT DAY
In July, the R-J reports that Nevada ranks near the bottom for childhood well-being in the national Kids Count survey, which had been revamped. Said local Kids Count coordinator Stephen Brown, “Basically, it’s a more accurate reflection of what it’s like to be a child in Nevada.”
THEN SHE FINISHED THE LAST CHICKEN WING IN THE DIABLO’S “DEATH WING” CHALLENGE
Speaking in Las Vegas in October, Ann Romney says, “We’re going to win this!”
IN RESPONSE, THE R-J OPINION EDITOR TYPED A SPECIAL KEY AND THE USUAL BOILERPLATE EDITORIAL ABOUT OPPRESSIVE GOVERNMENT SOMETHING OR OTHER APPEARED THE NEXT DAY
In November, an official with the Community Counseling Center of Nevada tells CityLife, “What we’re seeing now is the decaying of the safety net.”
AND THEN HE SNICKERED AND MADE A PUSSY RIOT JOKE
Discussing the valley’s feral cat problem and new regulations enacted to deal with it, feline expert Keith Williams says, “Managing these cats isn’t just for crazy old ladies in the middle of the night.”
THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR CRAZY OLD LADIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
The state’s Republican caucus in February was a mess of delayed vote counts, procedural mishaps and other embarrassments.
AND THAT, KIDS, IS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
In January, porn starlet Brooklyn Lee, talking about a proposed ordinance in Los Angeles that would mandate condom use during porn shoots, tells CityLife, “I’ve been hearing rumors that we would probably all migrate to Las Vegas.”
BUT AT LEAST THEY RETURNED TO WELL-FUNDED, FULLY EQUIPPED SCHOOLS PROVIDED BY A GRATEFUL PUBLIC AFTER A VIGOROUS IMPROVEMENT CAMPAIGN LED BY THE REVIEW-JOURNAL OP-ED PAGE …
After a long contract dispute between the school district and the teacher’s union — during which the district said it would have to lay off 1,000 teachers if the union received mandated raises — an arbitrator finds in favor of the union. Thanks to attrition, only about 400 pink slips are sent out. But so many teachers had retired or left the district that those 400 were hired back and there was even a small shortage of instructors.
Sources: Las Vegas Sun, Review-Journal, Politico, the Internet. Apologies to Esquire magazine’s Dubious Achievements Awards.