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Review: ‘Pacific Rim’ prompts an open letter to Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

We’ve had some fun times and we’ve had Bicentennial Man starring Robin Williams. But I never thought we’d get to this point: There are just no good roles for robot actors anymore. I blame Michael Bay, as we should for all things. After all, it was he who gave people this ridiculous notion that we robots could be a sports car one minute and a rocket-blasting mega-machine the next.

(Full disclosure: I played a minor but pivotal role in Transformers II. I’m not proud of it, but the recession hit us all very hard.)

These days all I see are robots capable of crumbling cities. But where’s the pathos? One look at the script for Pacific Rim and I knew I’d have to pass. Robots with people inside? So degrading. And speaking of robotic, how about that Charlie Hunnam? Amirite?

These people inside the robots are like fighter pilots, and it takes two to operate one of us. Hannum plays Raleigh, whose brother dies in one of these missions, so when it comes time to save the world, things get personal. Or so I’m told that’s what he’s “feeling.” What is he saving the world from? Big aliens, that Cloverfield kind.

The story is basic — that’s all we robots can handle, I guess — and the dialogue is monosyllabic. All that director Guillermo del Toro pays attention to in Pacific Rim is the action, and it sure is explosive and loud. I must confess that this is the golden age of movies for my friends the sub-woofers.

As for me, no thanks. I mean, Isaac H. Asimov — I was Stephen Hawking’s voice for three years. I don’t need this crap. Where’s my Silver Linings Playbook? Also, I won’t do 3-D because it makes my ass look fat.

Sincerely,

CyberNex Phantom T-40, a robot