THE RED DAWN remake arrives this week, and one of the major changes was replacing the original Soviet invaders with a new enemy country. What alternatives did producers bat around before settling on North Korea?
China: Chinese soldiers storm into Spokane, Wash., laughing at the weak American dollar. A group of American teenagers show these currency manipulators how to balance out the trade deficit by trading them some American-style brutality. Why it didn’t work: China wouldn’t need to invade, as it already owns most of the U.S. economy.
Iran: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s militants invade a small Washington town and are met by tough-as-nails American teenagers, who butcher his soldiers almost as brutally as they do the pronunciation of his last name. Why it didn’t work: Everyone is pretty sure a version of this war will actually happen soon.
Mexico: A few migrant workers wander into a Washington town looking for work, when a rag-tag group of American teenagers force these hombres to say adios to their American dream! Why it didn’t work: The Tea Party is already making this as a documentary.
Tajikistan: A family of Tajikistani tourists visits Washington and attempts to capture the essence of American culture. Too bad they encounter a group of abdominally ripped American teenagers, who give them a taste of the true U.S. experience. Our boys send them back where they came from, which, incidentally, is a nation of only seven million, a proud and noble people, the poorest nation of the former Soviet Bloc. Why it didn’t work: Producers didn’t believe Tajikistan is a real country.
The Un-“Real” America: A couple of Social Security-accepting, tax-paying retirees wander into Washington claiming they live in town. Not for long! They want taxes? When our flag-saluting teenage Americans show up, they initiate a tax on their asses! Why it didn’t work: Obama won re-election.
Transylvania: In an attempt to capitalize on the Twilight saga, Red Dawn turns into Breaking Dawn as our American boys combat a nation of invading vampires. No matter who wins this battle between shirtless, muscular American teens and shirtless, dreamy vampires, it will be a total war against body hair. Why it didn’t work: Actually, come to think of it, this could work. CityLife has the copyright to this now!