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Wonderhussy packs for Burning Man!

Fuel for Burning Man
Fuel for Burning Man

Every year I take too much crap to Burning Man -- food I don't eat, sparkly bras I never wear.This year will be different … this year, I’m only bringing what I really need:

  • 10 gallons of water (for drinking and bathing -- OK, pit-and-groin-swabbing)
  • 1 gallon of vodka
  • 750 ml of rum
  • The finest boxed wine available (glass bottles are frowned upon, so I’m slumming)
  • Jerky
  • More jerky
  • Even more jerky
  • Twinkies (dessert)
  • 144 baby wipes (for on-the-go pit-and-groin swabbing)
  • Jumbo roll of duct tape
  • Dust mask/bandanna (they say this will be the dustiest year ever)
  • Goggles (fur-trimmed, of course)
  • Rebar and rope (to stake down my camper -- I’ve had a camper blown over and destroyed in the gale-force winds that sometimes spring up)
  • Pee funnel (a sort of prosthetic penis that allows women to pee while standing, thus allowing my delicate asscheeks to avoid contact with the shockingly foul port-a-potty seats)
  • Nail polish (not so much for vanity as to hide the grime buildup behind the fingernails)
  • 11 wigs (the best and most fun way to protect one’s hair from becoming hopelessly dreadlocked)
  • 7 pairs of shiny spandex pants
  • 5 sparkly bras (I told you, I’m cutting down this year)
  • Fur coat (for those chilly high desert nights … and for all the E-tards to dry-hump)
  • Platform boots (all the better to leave a ginormous carbon footprint, as if all the Twinkie wrappers and propane-belching mechanical octopi weren’t enough)
  • Bicycle and bike repair kit
  • Drum, tambourine, maracas
  • Hula hoop
  • Clown nose
  • Book (sometimes you do want to escape from all the hullabaloo and just chill in the shade)
  • Earplugs
  • Tampons (thought I certainly didn’t invite her, my Aunt Flo might show up … and if she doesn’t, I can soak them in vodka for a time-release, hands-free buzz)
  • Mushrooms (to make vegetarian pizza for my campmates)
  • I might take my legally prescribed medicinal marijuana (shhhh … Burning Man is on BLM land, under federal jurisdiction; the feds don’t recognize medical marijuana, but by the time they read this I’ll be knee deep in playa dust, wearing nothing but a clown wig and a hula hoop … they’ll never recognize me!)